Life Lessons on a Sunday Morning at Perkins

The other day, following church services, I headed over to the local Perkins for breakfast. The restaurant was unusually crowded; perhaps because of the seasonal time change. The hostess was kind to find me a small table squeezed between a number of differing sized parties. For years, I never really noticed the men, women, or children around me in a public situation. But after twenty three years of marriage with a partner who likes to "people watch", I have been conditioned to pay more attention to my surroundings and glean life lessons from the example of others.

The table directly to my left and less than two feet from my seat, sat a father and young son, lost in complete silence, staring emotionless into their mini laptops. The son had a pair of earplugs in his ears on a setting that made audible every word of a Taylor Swift song. The father was completely focused on his screen oblivious to anything happening around him. As I sat there for at least ten minutes waiting for my beverage to arrive, not a word was spoken between these two people.

Now, I am not privy to all the dynamics of this family's relationship; although I did glean later on that this association was the product of a separation/divorce. But really? Is this what effective parenting has become in our culture? Is anybody interested anymore in conversation? Discovering what is going on in our kids' lives? What they think or believe about life, sports, the arts; hell, even the recent election? Has the electronic age forever destroyed the lost art of active listening and conversation? Am I expecting too much?

The rules for parenting are known to shift from generation to generation. I understand that. Now adays there are "attachment" parents, "helicopter" parents,"permissive" parents, "authoritative" parents, and the like. But, shouldn't we adults be paying more attention to our instincts and realize that outings to a restaurant to share a meal with our offspring should probably not be spent in silence staring at an electronic screen?

These two gentlemen were not the only example that day in Perkins. Again to my left about about five tables over in a large booth were an older couple with their teenage son. The father quietly reading a newspaper completely self-absorbed, the mother flipping through a magazine, and the son listening to, my guess, more music on the iPhone with yet another pair of earplugs. Again, I do not know all of the circumstances: perhaps there were no eggs in the house; perhaps the electricity had gone off; perhaps the three individuals had just finished an argument and were not talking to one another. But there they sat in silence neglecting the opportunity to engage and learn from one another.

Before I am criticized for trying to make myself out to be the "perfect" parent, let me say for the record that there were plenty of times when my son John and I went out for breakfast and few words were spoken for whatever reason. And the Lord knows that I have made plenty of mistakes in my vocation as a parent. But Kathy and I did insist, while John was under our charge, that video games (and especially earplugs) were not part of the culinary and dining essentials of any meal.

Our son turns 21 in a few weeks. I am in awe of how fast the years go by. These days, every time I have the pleasure of being with my son, I recognize how important conversation is, how essential the idea of presence, how significant our intentions about being in community. I wanted to lean over to the table next to me and say, "Guys, our time together is limited, make the most of it."

There was yet a third example of parenting taking place directly to my right that Sunday morning at Perkins. Here was a family of four (father, mother, and two teenagers) actively engaged in conversation. Yes, there were electronics involved but only used for furthering the dialogue at the table. These four individuals were laughing, talking about the day's events which were to unfold, sharing wishes and desires about the holidays. The parents were actively listening to their children and the kids seemed more than delighted to have the attention.

cnn.com

It is my belief, and experience, that parenting is one of the great and challenging vocations of life. You never really know if you have done a good job or not until much later in the journey. However, there are some thing we parents can do in the here and now that may be beneficial for the future of our offspring. When you take your kids to breakfast leave the laptop in the car, no earplugs at the table, pay attention to their needs even if those desires do not match with your own, and engage in conversation. Our kids have much to tell us.

Love One Another - Brian